My latest health tests resulted in me being handed two mostly conflicting sheets of what to eat and what to avoid. I think once I strip my diet of everything on both avoid sheets I’m left with brown rice and possibly carrots*.

When I got home, hungry after a breakfast-free morning, I opened a packet of chocolate digestives and buried my head in the crumbs. Or rather, the crumbs in my head. When I was finished I washed them down with half a pint of milk.

Wheat? Check.

Big oats? Check.

Sugar? Check.

Chocolate? Check.

Milk? Check.

Things I enjoy eating? Check.

Carrots? Not a trace.

Hmm.

But anyway, digestive biscuits are good for digestion, right?

* Yes, I’m exaggerating. But not as much as I’d like to..